March 1, 2025
Dear Diary,
THIS IS SO UNFAIR. The Canada-U.S. border is a TOTAL DISASTER. It’s probably the WORST border in the history of borders. Everyone says so. I mean, have you SEEN it? It’s basically just trees and snow, and people just WALK ACROSS. Like, hello??? What’s even the point of a border if people can just WANDER IN?
And Canada, by the way, SO RUDE. They’re just up there, acting all polite, but really they’re sneaky. So sneaky. They send their people here, taking jobs, taking hockey trophies (NHL is basically ours!!!), and worst of all, they send their milk. Their MILK. They have these weird milk bags, and it’s basically economic WARFARE. It’s disgusting. The worst deal in the history of deals, maybe ever.
I told everyone, I said, "WE NEED A WALL." A big, beautiful wall. The best wall. But NOOO, the FAKE NEWS and the LOSER POLITICIANS said, “Oh, Mr. Trump, that’s too expensive, oh, Mr. Trump, Canada is our ally.” ALLY? Yeah right. Allies don’t dump syrup on you while smiling. Believe me, I know. I’ve had syrup dumped on me. Not good. Not classy.
Anyway, I might just fix this myself. Get some bricks. Maybe get Eric to help, if he can figure out how to use a hammer (doubtful). Either way, we’re gonna STOP this Canadian INVASION. No more bagged milk. No more sneaky border crossings. And absolutely NO more Justin Trudeau, who, by the way, is probably the worst Justin. Even worse than Justin Bieber, and that’s saying something.
Okay, gotta go, my Diet Coke is getting warm.
Donald (Future Border W
all Builder)
March 2, 2025
Dear Diary,
I AM SO MAD. NATO IS THE WORST. Literally the WORST deal in the history of deals. It’s like when you go to a party, and everyone eats your pizza, but nobody pays for it. THAT’S NATO. We’re paying ALL the money, and what do we get? NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING.
I told everyone, I said, “WHY ARE WE EVEN IN THIS?” But all the dumb politicians and FAKE NEWS keep saying, “Oh, Mr. Trump, we need allies, Mr. Trump, it keeps us safe.” SAFE??? Safe from WHAT? Europe? Please. They need US. We don’t need THEM. If anything, we should be charging THEM to be in NATO. Call it TrumpTO. Much better name.
Germany? NOT PAYING. France? So rude. So ungrateful. And don’t even get me STARTED on Canada. (Ugh, Canada AGAIN. WHY are they always in my way???) I said, “PAY UP,” and they just smiled and gave me some maple syrup. NOT FUNNY.
And Ukraine? LOOK, I like Ukraine. Great people. I sold them some BEAUTIFUL missiles. But WHY do we have to keep helping them? It’s like, okay, enough already. I have bigger problems, like making sure my golf courses have PERFECT grass. NATO isn’t helping ME with THAT, are they???
Anyway, I might just leave NATO. Just walk out. Poof. Gone. See how they like it when they don’t have Big Daddy America protecting them. They’ll BEG me to come back. But I won’t. Because I’m very strong. And very smart. And very, VERY busy.
Okay, gotta go. My Diet Coke is getting warm, and I HATE that.
Donald (The Best At NATO, But Also Prob
ably Quitting)
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